Dullness Behind the Shine

[Zerrif]

September 28, 2010

So I remember the old site having a section called user blogs, where we could make journals and stuff. Since we don't have one (yet?), I figure I'll just put this here, and it'll be moved, or just left to rot.

I've always had a sort of journal or something somewhere-- whether it's in a physical paper copy or online. It helps me organize my thoughts, because to be honest sometimes it feels like it's such a jumble that I don't even know where or how to begin with trying to arrange my life.

But that's all these are about, really. They tend to be just me slapping down random thoughts, or events throughout the day, because I have no real other way to cope with these things. And I hate when things fester inside of me.

So let's start things off.

I wish I could have told you that I would never, ever leave you alone. But I guess I'm still too scared to say it.

[Azhtek]

It's odd; I was actually thinking earlier today about reinstituting user blogs into the site, either through a software package or just opening a board.

[Zerrif]

I don't read minds, I'm just that awesome.

[Zerrif]

September 29, 2010

I should also probably start off saying that most of the things I put down here, I tend not to really talk about publically. I don't even know why I put them down, if this whole entire little journal is public-- but I'd rather have them down and be able to get it off my chest, than forget about it and then suddenly have it eating away at me, but not remember what I wanted to get out was.

I ate today. First time I ate in two days. I tend to not eat when I'm depressed.

Needless to say, it felt good.

[Leithri]

Eating is good. It's even better that it felt good. Worse comes to worse, you can do as I do sometimes and set an alarm to remind yourself to go eat.

[Zerrif]

September 30, 2010

Okay seriously, is my ex stalking me or something? I have been seeing him everywhere-- work, in my neighbourhood, and even at school.

Each and every time, too, I swear he's trying to get on my nerves. And I like to think that I'm on good term with all my exes, but he's really pushing me to tell him to just fuck off. Here was the first meetup (at work)

Ex: Oh! Zerrif, how are you?
Me: Huh? Oh, hi [Name of Ex], not too bad. How are you?
Ex: Oh I'm just doing grand. How's your love life? Anyone new?
Me: Uh... no, not at the moment.
Ex: That's too bad, because you deserve someone. Oh, have you met my new boyfriend? Come over and say hi, darling. *shit eating grin*
Ex's BF: Hi. *shit eating grin*
Me: It's nice to meet you. *handshake*
Ex's BF: The feeling's mutual. Hey hon, I'm gonna go into the dressing rooms and try these on, okay?
Ex: Sure thing, babe. *Ex's BF walks away* So... would I get in trouble if I met him in there?
Me: ... Probably. Listen I gotta go back to work.
Ex: Oh! Don't let me keep you, I'm so sorry. Nice seeing you again.
Me: The feeling's mutual.

At the park, and at school, the encounters were very similar. Not to mention that the reason why I broke up with him was because he was being very pushy about getting into sex, and I wasn't ready. Feels like he's rubbing it in my face now.

Or it makes me feel like I want to rub shit in his face.

[Azhtek]

Or it makes me feel like I want to rub shit in his face.

Isn't that what his shit-eating grin is for?

[Zerrif]

I'm glad someone caught that.

[Zerrif]

October 1, 2010

I like to think that very few fears are irrational. Most fears stem from some sort of bad experience, or can be brought about by reason,

But for some reason, I can't find out why I'm afraid of thunder and lightning. I don't remember any bad experiences with it (repressed memory, perhaps?), and I see no plausible reason why I could be afraid of it through regular means.

But every time that clap roars above me, or every time I see that flash, I curl up. I cringe. I freeze. My heart palpitates beyond normal speeds. I hyperventilate. I sweat. I'm near tears.

Although I'm able to suppress most of that if I'm out in public. For example, my work has me going outside often, and if there's a storm I can't just say "well I can't do that because I'm afraid". I'm able to not show on my face, or in the way I act, that I'm terrified to the bone. That I'm so tense, the slightest pin drop could break me. That all of a sudden, I'm wary about everything around me, or moreso afraid.

I had to walk the dog today, in a storm. And I couldn't find my meds to keep me stable. At least writing this all down helped cope, even if it was minimally.

So if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go retreat into a hidey hole and hope it ends before I have to walk to class.

[Zerrif]

October 2, 2010

So tonight, as I was about to punch out of work, my manager stops me.

Manager: Did you take the pumpkins outside, condense them down, and then remove the empty skids and garbage?
Me: Uh, no. No one told me to.
Manager: Oh. BEcause someone was supposed to tell you.
Me: Okay...?
Manager: Well I need them gone before you leave.
Me: *looks at punch clock* But I'm done, and my ride's waiting outside.
Manager: I don't care if your sister, or your grandma is waiting in the car, I need them gone.

So I'm angry, but I don't show it. For obvious reasons. But here's why I'm angry.

1) If someone was supposed to tell me to do it before I left, why didn't someone tell me earlier than just 1 minute before I punch out?
2) If my manager expected someone else to tell me, why didn't he follow up with that person to see if they told me?
3) If he really doesn't care about xxx waiting outside, then maybe I shouldn't care about him not getting to go home at hh:mm time, because to be honest I've put in my day's of work too, and I'm wanting to go home. Not to mention I feel bad because I have someone outside waiting for me.

Needless to say I go out and do what he says. And since he's not there, I'm venting and ranting at myself, and my sister in the car can hear and see me do this.

But get this. After I've condensed the display, made it look all pretty, and am ready to pull the skids in, I pull on the door.

Locked.

Try another door. Every other door.

Locked.

So here's where I pretty much break. Not only does he want me to do this before he leaves, but he's so much of an idiot that he can't even let me complete it, because he locks the doors on me? So I call the store with my cellphone (using up MY minutes here, not the company's), and he doesn't answer. Until the fifth call.

Manager: Hi, the store is closed.
Me: Yes, I know. I need you to open it so I can bring the garbage in.
Manager: Oh. you're outside? Okay I'll open it.

I'm outside? Yes, for fuck's sakes, I'm outside, you dolt. You told me to do shit, and you can't even make sure I'm able to do it. Incompetence-- I work with incompetence. Not to mention it's colder than freezing already.

so he comes, opens the door, and I bring it inside. Then this happens

Manager: Yeah, I'm sorry for being snippy with you, I was just mad at [other Associate]

So what, is that supposed to make me smile and go "Oh, I understand EVERYTHING now!", and clear everything up? For fuck's sakes, if you're a manager, learn to fucking MANAGE your own emotions, and know how to talk to people professionally. You've been here since whatever PM? That's great, I came in at some time before 11 pm too.

Dickwads.

I work with incompetent people.

Stupidity makes me angry.

[Zerrif]

October 6, 2010

My sister got a contract position to be a full time teacher at a high school! It's pretty awesome, considering she did all this work to get through university and teacher's college, and she's only been supplying for about 4-5 years with only one semi-stable job, but the contract ended there too. Add in the stigma of feeling like she failed because she did all this work and couldn't find a job, add in the stigma that my brother in law is the only breadwinner in the household, and she feels pretty useless.

Well not anymore. I'm happy for her that she got this. She needs it. She has cried to me too many times for this not to happen to her.

Although, at the same time, I'm jealous. I'm angry. And I'm hurt. Because it's not like I don't try, too. It's not like I haven't tried to put my foot out there, and leave my mark. And yet, I've gotten nowhere.

Mind you, it's probably not as bad as it seems. I'm extremely happy for her, and I don't think I could hate her for the fact that she got her chance to prove herself. I just wish I hadn't wasted my chances in the past, and that I could be saying the same for myself right now.

It's an odd feeling, knowing that a chance has slipped you by. Knowing that what you wanted is no longer there, and that all the work you put into it was wasted. It's a mix of regret, sorrow, and self-hatred. Things I've been dealing with my whole life, and to be honest, I know I'll be dealing with forever. I just wish I had some sort of light in my life right now to shine brightly over those looming shadows.

On a happier note, got 100% on my recent assignment.

[Zerrif]

October 9th, 2010

I HATE COOKING FOR THANKSGIVING.

Fuck. Don't get me wrong, I love cooking, but cooking for 16 people is not fun.

Oh wait, 15. BECAUSE I HAVE TO FUCKING WORK THE NIGHT OF OUR THANKSGIVING DINNER.

FUCK YOU, WALMART.

On a somewhat related note, all my desserts are done. :> So are my sauces, and stuffing.

[Zerrif]

October 12th, 2010

I have a "shit"ty job that "piss"es me off.

Spoiler'd for grossness.

[spoiler]Story number 1: So I'm cleaning the mirrors above the sink (imagine one long sink that has 3-4 different spouts on it), and this guy walks up beside me. I think he's going to wash his hands so I give him a smile, and continue wiping down the mirror.

I hear a zip, and look over-- the guy has unzipped his fly, and whips out his dick. I'm shocked, and it doesn't help that he just starts to piss. IN THE SINK. Then I give him this shocked faced and he gives me this face like I'm the weird guy. Needless to say, I just wiped down that mirror real quick, and take some steps back. Why?

This guy isn't holding his dick. He's letting his dick fly around wherever it wants, and I don't really want to get pissed on. He finishes up, leaves, and doesn't even bother running the tap to drain the piss.

Like, seriously? What the fuck. Needless to say, I dumped pretty much the entire bottle of cleaner on it.

Story number 2: I get a call from the front while I'm in the back. Apparently, there's a little accident.

Little, apparently, means some old lady decided to shit herself on the bench INSIDE the store, and leave it there. She told someone, and then just left.

It looked like coffee, but smelled like... well, coffee-shits. Mixed with whatever the hell she ate at McDonalds. It was liquid, it was rancid, and it made me gag.

Fucking old people, I swear to god. The bench is RIGHT OUTSIDE THE MOTHERFUCKING WASHROOM. CAN YOU NOT TAKE 3 STEPS TO GO IN AND PLOP YOUR FAT ASS ON A TOILET? FOR FUCK'S SAKES.[/spoiler]

I love my job. <3

[Zerrif]

October 14, 2010

I am horribly frustrated with life. And I find that I have been feeling this way consistently.

And being the guy who tells everyone that if they're frustrated with life, they should do something about it, or offer advice on how to not care about it, all I can do is stare at my life and just become more and more frustrated. It's not like I'm going nowhere-- I'm slowly moving more and more forward, but it just seems like I've hit a point where it's like trying to run through a vat of molasses.

I almost want to just like, skip ahead 5 years in my life. I'm tired of this boring, weekly grind, same thing every day. I want variety with my life. I want something different. But I know to get there, I have to deal with this stupid repetitiveness for quite a long time.

Bleh.

[Zerrif]

October 23, 2010

Oops, I've been slacking!

I blame mid terms. I have a LOT of midterms, but they're very spread out so I've mostly been crunching down inbetween them, as well as work + school work and trying to stay ahead of the game.

Ow. Head hurts. I pregamed a little before going to Fear Fest last night and... it was fun. This morning wasn't.

DDR machines were broken at Canada's Wonderland. Made my inner asian so angry. >:E Wasted 3 bucks.

Uh... Scary bunny. Made me giggle. It gave me a hug.

I don't know what else. Going back to nap.