Arianna's Journey

[Tabbymouse]

(This is NOT an RP, This is the diary of one of my characters - Arianna, from my RP with Mikkaddo.  It is posted with his permission.  I will update this as our RP continues, but feel free to comment on this and give me some input.)

New Seed – mid-jan-march First Harvest-march-june Last Seed – june-sep Last harvest- sep-dec Dark moon Dec-Jan

Day 1 New seed year 10
This is my hidden secret.  Father said a lady doesn't need to read or write, mother...is usually grumpy.  Brother Matias has been teaching me.  He is very nice, and takes the time to talk to me, as long as father allows.  I asked him if I could become and adept, and he gave me this book.  Write down everything and next new seed he will give me an answer.  He said he was surprised a lady would want to take the cloth.  Is it that strange?  Shouldn't anyone with faith want to share it?

Day 30 new seed year 10

Mother told me she's pregnant.  I don't understand.  There's already six of us children, and she's lost two babies that I know of.  Father is probably going to hire another nanny, because mother doesn't care for the children she has.
Day 35 new seed year 10.

Mother lost the baby and it's my fault.  Brother Matias said I should pray to Aylssana for acceptance.  I went to the temple with the first blooms I saw and prayed.  I didn't feel any different, so I stopped by the shrine to Marhass.  I had nothing to sacrifice, so I pricked my finger and offered a few drops of my own blood, and just prayed he could help.  I don't know why I did that.  Last night father woke me up to watch the other bunnies.  I saw the bedding as he carried it out.  I will never forget the little arm sticking out of the bloody sheets.  Its my fault.  I didn't want that to happen.

Day 1 dark moon year 10
It's so cold.  Mother is pregnant again, and this time she's told to rest.  I've been making sure she's comfortable, I don't want her to lose it because of me again.

Day 15 New Seed Year 11
It needs to rain, father says the crops aren't going to take and he'll have to let staff go.  He's already refused to hire a new nanny, and let some of the staff go.  I offered to help with the bunnies.  Least I can do to help.  I still have nightmares about the lost baby.

Day 1 First Harvest Year 11
Brother Matias said I was not cut out to be an adept.  He said I should have known better then to give my blood as offering to Marhass if I wanted to become an adept of Aylssana.  He also told me I was not to blame for the lost child, but I still feel guilty.  How am I not to blame, but I'm also tainted by the dark god?
Day 20 First Harvest year 11
Father tried to hide it, but the crops barely took this year.  I heard him say he barely has enough for the village.  Mother can't help, she's almost due and miserable.  I don't think this will be a good year.  I started teaching the bunnies to read and write, at least it's something productive.
Day 10 last seed year 11
Father let more staff go.  Did he not plan for bad years?  I'm home with the new twins and the two other babies, the other bunnies are either helping in the fields or helping with chores.  A year ago I was told I was a "lady" and needed to act like it, but it's just a title.  There's nothing in this house any better then the people in the village.
Day 15 dark moon year 11
Mother is pregnant again.  We're rationing food and she brings more bunnies?  Alyssana forgive me, but I can't be happy for her.
Day 10 new seed year 12
Brother Matias asked me to help with the spring festival.  He said it's refreshing to see someone with faith in the gods.  Mother thinks it's fairy tales, and father only wants the festival out of superstition.  I don't understand how they can see a tiny seed turn into food for several people and not have faith in Alyssana.  After last year we need some good luck anyways.  Brother Matias seemed excited that there's a couple of villagers who want to get married during the festival.  He says I;m to young to understand, but it's important for success.

Day 35 new seed year 12
Alyssana answered our prayers!  She must have approved of the married couple.  I walked the fields with father and every seed took root.  He said he's going to need my help to tend and harvest, even mother is going to help.  I like seeing him smile.

Day 5 first harvest year 12
Mother is showing, I have a feeling it's another set of twins.  I;ve been working the fields beside her, making sure she doesn't work too much.  It's not too bad but I have one of the twins strapped to my back.  Still no nanny so I have to help with both.  Mother is complaining that ladies shouldn't be working, but I think she's just happy to see the good crops.
Day 40 last seed year 12
Mother had the bunnies last night.  It was triplets but one was stillborn, and one is very weak.  She doesn't want to name the sickly one.  That's five babies she's lost.  I'm starting to think it's a wonder any of us are alive.
Day 1 last harvest year 12
The weak bunny died.  He was barely two weeks old, and died without a name.  Father is spending all day in the fields, I don't even think he knows.  Mother told me to "take care of it"...how can anyone be so cold to her own child?

Day 30 last harvest year 12
A storm came though last night, and we didn't have anyone to help.  I was out all night with father and some villagers but we still lost half the crop.  Father says everything will be fine, but he doesn't smile as much.  Only brother Matias knows I prayed to Marhass, I wonder if this is still punishment.  How can we be lords and ladies of anything when we have so little?

Dark 20 dark moon year 12
Alyssana help me, she's pregnant again.

Day 20 first seed year 13
She lost the babies.  I dreamed about the baby Marhass took, and woke up to father weeping.  I stayed hidden to let him have his moment.  I want to help him but, some part of me feels glad.  I want to talk to Brother Matias but he'll probably say it's the taint on my soul from Marhass.  I don't understand how we can have two gods but only allowed to worship one.  How can you have life without death, love without sorrow?  Why won't Alyssana forgive the errors of a child?  Nothing makes sense, and I wish someone would talk to me.
Day 3 First Harvest year 13
Father got a letter, I'm not sure what it was but he called Brother Matias over.  He never does that.  I'm worried.
Day 40 First Harvest year 13
Discovered the contents of the letter.  I;ve been promised to a lord I have never met.  Father told me and I laughed.  I didn't mean to be disrespectful but we've barely made it the last two years, several of our villagers have moved, and all of us children are in clothes that are thread bare and don't fit.  I'd be better off marrying a villager and not making my family dishonored by looking like a beggar.
Day 28 last seed year 13
Brother Matias gave me a book about Marhass, he told me to read it because my betrothed is a child of the god.  Is this more punishment for my tainted soul?  He said he doesn't think so, because you can't have light without dark.  Alyssana help me.  I don't think I could deal with trying to be the light in a dark kingdom.  Matias keeps telling me to have faith, there's a reason for everything.
Day 2 Last Harvest year 13
Mother called a dress maker over.  She is ordering new clothes for everyone, one good outfit each.  Apparently she wants us to pretend we aren't barely hanging on when my promised comes to make the final arrangements.  Alyssana help me.  I don't want to start a new life with a lie.  I also don't want to marry a child of Marhass.  The more I read, the more scared I get.  Brother Matias said he will come by during the dark moon to talk to me about what he knows of traditions and rituals...it helps but I'm still scared.

Day 5 dark moon year 13
I have spent several hours every day with Brother Matias.  I don't think I can ever eat again.  There's so much blood and death and pain when dealing with Marhass.  Aylssana help me, I don't think I can do this.  The more I learn the more I fear what my new life will be like.
Day 17 First seed year 14
I;m so tired.  Father wants to make sure everything looks perfect, I've been bouncing between the fields and watching the bunnies.  I think I have slept about two hours a day.  I don't know why this lord wants my hand, but everyone else seems almost paniced.  Everything has to be perfect and we have to have the air of the rank we don't even deserve.
Day 17 first Harvest year 14
He will be here next week.  Maybe I can sleep then?  Harvesting, caring for the bunnies, standing for dress fittings, talking to Matias...I swear I lay down and I need to get up again.
Day  25 first harvest year 14
I don't feel good today.  Everything feels..weird.  I didn't fee good when I woke up, my stomach hurt and I felt queezy, but mom said it was nerves as she helped me into my dress.  This bodice is so tight I can barely breathe, and I sweat dirt will never get out from under my claws, no matter how much she scrubbed them.  I see the carriage pulling up.  I have a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach, but there's nothing I can do but wait to meet the man who I;m supposed to live with the rest of my life.
Day 33 first Harvest year 14
I want to die.  I have been violated by a monster.  I never left my room, I couldn't.  either he was treating me as if I was already his wife...or he left his maid use me.  Everything hurts.  I never want anyone to see me. 

Day 40 first harvest year 14
I have tried several times.  I do not want to live.  I can't bare this secret any more.  But my family can't deal with the dishonor of my death.  I need some nightshade or slip in the field.  I don't care if it's a sin against Aylssana, but the weight of what Mikkaddo did to me is to much to bare.
Day 7 last seed year 14
I had a dream last night.  I thought I was seeing all the babies my mother lost.  I wasn't scared, I thought it was a sign the time was right to take some poison in the morning...but then I looked up and saw Aylssana.  I can't describe it but I knew it was her.  I felt calm, peaceful...and realized the children I saw weren't my mother's but mine.  I can't remember details, but it seems Mikkaddo's seed took root.  If I harm myself I harm an innocent life.  In three days I will be married and all this will be over.
Day 9 last seed year 14
I;m now at my future prison.  My parents don't seem to care I;ve been distant this last month, or that this dark child they're forcing my hand to has his seed growing inside me.  Nothing is proven, but I had that dream again.  If I harm myself or this child I turn my back on Aylssana and walk the same dark path as it's father.  No one questioned when I asked to see the healer for my stomach, wedding gitters they said as if this was a union of my choosing I was nervous about.  A leather strip of an old woman confirmed my dreams between drags on her smoke.  The die has been cast, my fate is here.  Alyssana protect me, I;m going to need it.
Day 11 last seed year 14
I;m starting to hate that bitch.  I swear Mikkaddo's bastard daughter is trying to kill me.  She woke me yesterday by raping my tender bottom and making me swallow her perverted seed, before helping me dress in a gown he bought for me.  Deep down I think there is a good soul in his dark heart.  I feared he was going to make me wear something embarrassing, but he gave me a proper gown!  The purest white, the softest silk...I don't care if he was using me as a way to flaunt his money to my parents, it was a nice gesture.  I needed to do something to show him I appreciated this, and part of me wanted to show my parents the hell they punished me too.  Under the dress was a collar, with the nice ness of the dress I think he may have ment to give it to me privately, but it looked so nice with the dress, I hid the lock in my dress and after the vows I knelt and offered it to him.  The look of horror on my mother's face...I;m sad to say I took joy it in.  she treated me as a servant and nanny for years, then sells me off to the highest bidder...she has no right to suddenly have concern over my well being.

Day 30 last seed year 14
I do not like the healer.  She treats me like I;m nothing, and half the time she acts like either me or the baby won't make it to labour.  I still haven't learned my place around here.  I sleep in the servants ward, but I sit with him and his bastard at the table.  He may treat me with a shread of respect, growing more as my stomach does, but that bitch does not.  Last time she raped me I swear she was trying to bite my arm off.  Between her and the healer I could easily forget I;m a person and think I;m nothing but an object for use.  One of the other girls that live here brought me the last rose that bloomed in the garden for my room.  She's such a shy girl, and so scarred, it scares me to think I might look like her one day.
Day 5 last harvest year 14
I;m starting to dread nightfall.  I don't feel married, and I sleep alone.  I;ve never felt as cold to the bone as I do trying to fall asleep alone.  Just the feel of little movements in my stomach and a band of leather around my neck reminding me I;m supposed to be married.

Day 15 last harvest year 14
I asked if the maid who brought me the rose could be my handmaid, mainly to protect her from him!  I think she wants to protect me and offered to bed Mikkaddo and I.  I;m not stupid, I know most the girl here he has slept with, and a few he calls to his bed after I;m dismissed to mine.  But when she parted her legs...that monster bit off most of her womanhood!  I can even imagine why that girl is still in service here!  Scares me what my future holds.  I don't need a hand maid, but the girl is sweet and she doesn't deserve the scars she has from him.
Day 16 Last seed year 14
The healer says she hears several hearts in my womb.  No wonder I feel like I'm huge.  She won't tell me how many, I still feel like she doesn't think any of us will survive.  Mikkaddo has been making me eat meat.  It upsets my stomach, but I do it because I know he's only trying to look out for his children.

A couple of the maids were caught spying on us.  I took charge of punishing them.  I think I went to fair, but I'd rather severaly punish someone once then need to continually do it.  If they insist on calling me mistress they need to show me more respect then they do each other.

Day 17 Last Seed year 14
There is a temple on the grounds.  A full size temple!  I can't even fathom how much that cost.  I was walking around the grounds and saw the door open.  I thought it was a guest house, but when I stepped inside I was greeted with the sweet smell of blood.  I nearly threw up in the doorways but I kept going.  Alyssana protect me, but I needed to know for sure.  There was fresh blood on the altar, and I think I surprised the girl who was there.  She hid her face quickly behind a mask she had pushed aside so I don't know who it is.  She was friendly but I know she was as uncomfortable with me being there as I felt.  She said I just missed Mikkaddo.  Was he praying for the babies?  Is it weird I have some comfort in that he has faith and honors the old ways?  It's so different then my parents who thought it was just a bunch of fairytales.
Day 18 last seed year 14
I told Mikkaddo the healer thought there was more then one.  I don't think he's rushed me to the healer's quarters faster!  Four babies.  FOUR!  One is weak, but he wasn't hearing there a chance we could lose one.  At dinner I had the biggest, rarest steak I've ever seen.  While I am still not sure he cares for me, I know he cares for these children.  I struggled to finish it, but I did.  I want him to know I appreciate his care for them.
Day 25 last seed year 14
I should never open my mouth!  I tried to be nice to his bitch of a bastard.  I wanted her to hear the babies hearts.  I thought she was happy, she seemed just as shocked as her father.  Mikkaddo and I went into the village for the day, we needed to do some shopping and look for new staff so the house is ready for these babies.  I asked my sweet Lilly to keep the bastard company while we were gone.  We come back to Lilly in the healer's room, drugged asleep.  She's barely alive!  The bitch nearly killed my only friend in this cold lonely house and has no remorse!  My arm is still bandaged from the last time she felt like using me, and now my only friend might not survive the night!  I;m so mad I;m seeing red!  Mikkaddo went to punish her.

Day 26 last seed year 14

She was not at breakfast, and he looked like he hadn't slept last night.  Aylssana forgive me, I hope he killed the bitch.  I spent all night at Lilly's side, and only went to breakfast when I was reminded the babies need food.  The entire house knows something is wrong, but because of the long night Mikkaddo offered me to sleep in his room because it's warmer.  I'm not sure if it's because the weather is getting colder, or being up all night but I;m cold down to the bone.  It did feel nice to wake up in his arms, felt like I'm honestly his wife and not a concubine.

Day 35 Last harvest year 14
Lilly is still asleep.  AS much as I dislike the healer, I have to trust her now.  A week ago I gave Lilly Rodney (her stuffed bunny) and she hasn't let go of it.  Even in her sleep.  I;m there twice a day to check on her, but I;m also prepping for the babies.  As much as I hate her, I suggested Mikkaddo send his bastard off to work with the blacksmith.  Daily hard work might and strict discipline might do her good.  As mean as she is, I still can't help but be nice and care for the evil woman.  Is something wrong with me? 
It seems the larger I get the nicer Mikkaddo is.  He said he hasn't knotted in me because he's worried of hurting the children.  It's driving me nuts, but it also seems theonly time I feel warm at all is when I;m under him.  He told me we're going somewhere tomorrow, so to get some sleep...I;m forgetting to remember what comfort feels like and I;m not even half way to the birth.
Day 37 last harvest year 14
I have no idea what happened.  He took me to some secret club, the air smelt of sex and blood and debauchery everywhere.  I watched him filet a girl alive.  I should have screamed, I should have called him the murdering bastard he is.  Instead I was the one who ended the girl's misery.  Her heart was still throbbing in my hands as I ate it.  I don't know why, and I had a nightmare about the girl last night...but there, in the middle of the blood soaked table, right next to her lifeless body, he knotted in me.  It wasn't the forceful violent sex I;m used to from him, like he was seeing me as something more then the vessal for his children.  He says he was blood drunk, but I saw his eyes, when he laid me on that table he was looking at me like I was the most valuable thing in the world.
Then we got home and the healer yelled at him.  I could snap her neck she's so old and frail looking, so it's amusing watching him scold him like he's a stubborn child.  Come to find out she was his wet nurse, and helped save the life of his bastard so he has a smidge of respect for the old crone.

Day 5 dark moon year 14
My new handmaiden showed up shortly after breakfast.  She walked here from the village on a broken leg, someone beat her up good last night.  Mikkaddo went into town to sort things out.  Luckily Lilly woke up a few days ago so we have the spare bed in the healer's quarters.  I feel bad, after Lilly almost died because of me, I don't want to dismiss her from my service.  I;m sure Alyssana has a plan.
Day 15 Dark Moon year 14
I;m the size of a house, and miserable.  I;m on bedrest because I started to bleed a little.  I;m so uncomfortable.  Poor Lilly is still trying to serve me, and I've yelled at her, called her a thick idiot, and a whore.  She still needs to rest herself, not worry about me!  Rumors say she loves me.  Stupid woman.  She knows I;m not into girls, and I take my vows seriously.  Still it's nice to have the companionship.
Day 20 Dark Moon Year 14
The healer just stopped by to check on me, she said I'll probably have the babies before the season is over, and not to expect them to last because I shouldn't have them till the fields are seeded.  I told her to choke on her cigarette and die.  I'm tired of being pregnant, I;m tired of being alone, and my room feels like the coldest room in the house. 
Day 24 Dark Moon Year 14
*Different, bad, obviously rushed, handwriting* mistress having babies thought she'd want that here

(No entries until next one)
Day 27 Dark Moon Year 14
Lilly wrote in my book!  I want to be mad at her but it's been a long few days and she was only trying to help.  That girl's hearts in the right place.  I worry about her mind sometimes, but she's proven herself a million times over.  She brought me dinner the other night, but I wasn't feeling good.  I told her my stomach hurt.  She insisted I go see the healer, to the point of pushing me out of bed.  I know I slapped her and called her foul names, but she continued to push and drag me. 
No sooner did I step foot in that office then my water broke and I got scared.  I was early, I knew I was early.  The look on the face of the healer and her two assistants said all I needed to know.  Don't expect survivors.  Lilly once again knew what to do, she must have ran to my room to scribble the note I was in labour, then got Mikkaddo. 

It was nearly two days.  I remember pain, being tired, and the occasional sound of the baby crying.  I don't think anyone slept, I barely think people left my side.  According to Alice, Mikkaddo had carried one of the babies to the make shift nursery when I looked like I dozed off.  Lilly was quick to notice I wasn't breathing and slit her own wrist to give me blood while holding a knife to the healer.  That old weathered hag knew I stopped breathing and was not going to bother saving me, and just cut me open to save any babies left.  Alice was quick to step in and get me breathing again, and Lilly's yelling alerted Mikkaddo.
The last two babies came quick, so quick they hadn't finished washing one before the last was born.  Alice had bandaged Lilly's wrist and since she was there she got handed the baby.  In all that chaos, infants crying, staff scrambling, Alice still between my legs and Mikkaddo holding yet another child it was Lilly who noticed the infant wasn't breathing.  I was so tired, I got the story after the fact.  She had ripped her bandaged wrist open with her teeth, held the baby close to her to keep it warm, even unwashed from birth, and she got the baby to breathe.

I asked to feed this one.  I know we hired wet nurses, and it's rare for a lady to want to give that much attention to a child but, Alyssana help me, this child can't weigh more then four pounds!  She has very little fur, her skin is so thin I feel I can see though her.  By all accounts she was born sleeping, and it'll be a miracle if she survives much longer.  But she needs to know she's loved for however long she's here.

I asked her later and she said she didn't know what she did, but blood is important to Marhass, and she doesn't understand the demon god, but she would do anything to save me and the baby.  I wanted to dismiss her from service, to let her enjoy a normal life away from the pain she's received here...but when I needed her she was there, not thinking twice about doing whatever was needed to save and protect me and the children.  She is now incharge of the nursery and any and all staff that deal with me or the children.  I might think she's barely holding onto her sanity from all the pain she endured, but I trust her with my life now.
I find it odd, just a few seasons ago I would rather kill myself then enter a loveless marriage to a man who would rape me and allow his bastard child to violate me as well.  He is a child of Marhass, yet spent the entirely of the Dark moon at my side instead of at his temple.  For a moment, his arm around me to help me sit up as I fed our tiny child I felt it.  I wasn't his slave, I wasn't just a woman he bought to use, I was his wife, and I could hear the worry in his voice as he whispered she would live.

A funny thing happens after lack of sleep and stressful events.  The masks fall off and you see the real person.  At that moment I saw his heart.  The fear of losing the tiny girl in my arms, the pure joy that the others survived, pride in me.  In that moment I saw beyond the beast that rules his land with fear, I saw more than the follower of a bloodthirsty god, and I could not love him more if I tried.

Malak – Black male wolf, Alysse – Black female bunny, Mikhail – Dark gray male bunny, Markas –Gray male wolf, Lyddia – Light gray with white patches female wolf, Aylin – White female bunny
Six children.  Mother had trouble carrying twins, and he said his family is littered with women or infants not making it to birth.  I don't know to thank Alyssana or Marhass, but whoever it was made sure to protect me and the children and I;m thankful.

Day 32 Dark moon year 14
I have been rather weak, Alice says I lot a lot of blood during the labor, and because of how long my legs were tied to the table I;m still rather wobbly.  Alice insists I stay in the healers quarter's for now.  I am only a door away from my sweet babies.  Lilly has been a godsend.  Any of the pups makes so much as a squeak, she makes sure there's a wet nurse to feed them, or a maid to change them.  I woke up one night to crying from the nursery, and a moment later the child was calm and Lilly was dragging a girl out by her hair.  I pretended to be asleep but the sounds were unmistakeable.  The gagged cries, the fleshy sounds of a body being struck over and over again. 

I found out after the fact it was a wet nurse from the village.  She;s a young mother who's own son is barely a month old.  She had fallen asleep while feeding Lyddia, and Lilly walked in to do a check and caught her.  Lyddia was, safe thank Aylssana!  Lilly told me she placed clothes pins on the girl's nipples, knowing they were sensitive, and proceeded to hit her with one of the leather cuffs that held me to the table until the girl's chest and ass were bright red.  Lilly told me she dismissed her from service, told her to ride her horse back to the village and explain to her husband why she was dismissed.  I know Lilly is exhausted, but never complains and tends to the children and I more faithfully then I could ever ask for.
I can't believe its been a week.  Everyone was sure Aylin wouldn't make her first night, and she's still very tiny, but she's a strong fighter.  Knowing Mikkaddo's demonic heritage, she's being fed small meals of his blood.  Trust me when I say there is nothing more beautiful then watching him hold and talk ot her.  He hasn't said anything, but he hasn't needed to.  I've seen cuts on his arms beyond what he needed to bleed for Aylin, I;ve see fresh bloodstains on his shirt before he even nicks his skin for her, I've seen Renne and Lilly's hushed conversations with him, bringing him food while he sits with our tiny angel.  I know he's just as worried as I am.    I don't want to imagine how much time he's spending in his temple, how much of himself he's sacrificed in prayers for our child.

He told me awhile ago he marks his favorite girls by eating a piece of their flesh.  Lilly, Renne, a few others, I;ve seen the scars.  I thought it was disgusting and cruel.  After watching him this last week, as soon as Alice allows me to return to his bed I'll be proud to offer him my body to do the same.  I want the world to forever see his mark and proudly state that I belong to him.  He may be a devout child of Marhass, but that doesn't make him a monster and I;m blessed he chose me to be his wife.

Day 1 First Seed year 15
Aylin was starting to get very ill after feedings.  The healer was dismissed from service and waiting punishment for her actions the night of the birth, and poor Alice is good, but only has experience with the animals on her farm, and no idea how to nurse a demon child.  Aylin looks so much like me I assumed she might take after me when it comes to a sensitive stomach.  I;ve started feeding her.  The wet nurses insist they can do it, but they don't know what Mikkaddo had been feeding her.  No, I will feed my sweet baby, she needs weened from blood to milk.  Only Lilly knows I;m nicking my breast before each feeding.  I'm terrified each time I hold her will be the last, she just looks like she shouldn't survive compared to her siblings.

Day 15 First Seed Year 15
Aylssana be blessed!  The sun is shining, the estate is starting to warm up, and Aylin is thriving!  Part of me feels like I;m ignoring the other five.  I know I;m not, I love them all, but it was so scary, not knowing if I Aylin would ever wake up when she went to sleep.  But the worst is over and we can start to relax.  Mikkaddo and I even took Malak and Aylsse into the village.  It was my idea.  As much as I should hate her, its only his daughter meet her siblings.  I would be lying if I said part of me didn't want to rub it in her face he has a legitimate heir now.  Watching her bounce between tears of joy and tears of sadness thinking they were the only two that survived broke my heart.  My arm is still scarred from her teeth, Lilly nearly died...and she's kneeling before me, the entire village seeing her cry at the sight of the children. 

I couldn't help it, I asked her to be a part of their lives.  Why can't I hate this woman?  She harms any of my children I will kill her before Mikkaddo ever gets close to her, but here I am asking her to be in their lifes.  I;ve gone insane.  There is no explaination to why I keep opening myself to her.