Dullness Behind the Shine

[Zerrif]

August 4, 2011

It's been almost a year.

A year of pent up frustrations, ups, downs, and changes. A lot of firsts.

And after all that, I realize yet again that no matter what's happened, the point is that time has gone on. Whether or not I wanted it to.

Time is not going to wait for me to catch up. The world will not stop spinning because I want to relish a moment, and it will not speed up because I want to leave something behind. Time simply goes on, without my input at all.

I look back on things now, and while there are things I'd rather change, I'm past the point of regret. It's at a point now where... well, I can't have any regrets. Because if I take the time to do so, time's just going to keep going on without me. And I need to keep focused, I need to keep looking ahead.

Even if it hurts, I need to keep looking ahead.

[Cheeky Stoat]

So true.  Things get easier, for me at least, when you just push forward.

[Zerrif]

August 5, 2011

I feel better today. I think I mostly just needed to vent out my emotions. I don't tend to be the one to do that-- it was still weird for me to confide in a few close friends.

I don't know if it was easier to day than it was yesterday. Coping, anyway. At least, I'm no longer distraught. Today I was just... well, coping. It didn't exactly feel like it was going to get better, but it was making sense.

I've done this before, too. Lots of times. I don't know if it's sick of me, or normal that each time, it gets easier. Each day, it gets easier. It's still hard, but it's easier than yesterday.

[Zerrif]

August 9, 2011

Checked my inbox today.

When the fuck did I make a online dating site profile?

...

I should use the computer less when I'm smashed.

[Zerrif]

August 10, 2011

I think I have a problem.

It's gotta be named Chronic-Fail-Hope-Disorder. Or something.

I'm realizing that I have all these high hopes and dreams, and none of them amount to anything. And in the end, I feel dejected. Depressed. Like it wasn't worth all that hoping.

I'm beginning to think it's never worth hoping for.

Maybe next time, I'll expect the bare minimum. That way, whenever anything good happens, it'll be a pleasant surprise, instead of a reminder that it's not exactly what I envisioned.

Also, decided to keep that dating profile open for the lulz. Request of the day: A hermaphrodite who was into diapers and scat wanting to see if I would poop in a diaper for him, so he could fuck it. Yeah.

[Zerrif]

August 13, 2011

Today was my last night working Maintenance. At least, for a little while.

I'll now be Overnight Renovation. Joy. 11pm to 6:30 am. Even during the school year.

The things I do to be able to pay for school V_V

[Zerrif]

August 26, 2011

Overnight shifts have been treating me very, very well. I don't have to deal with people (always a bonus), management isn't there to stress me out and breathe down my back (super bonus), and I don't have to clean up people's bodily fluids (amazing bonus). They come in, tell me what I'm to do before I leave, and then let me go at it at my own pace.

It's almost like a precursor to the job I want after school's over. I want something structured and regulated, that has tasks for me to do and doesn't let me just sit there and twiddle my thumbs-- but at the same time offers me freedom and the ability to work at my own pace, so long as things are done, and are done right.

So um... spoiler'd for gross-ness, but it's also an opportunity to laugh at me.
[spoiler]So very long story short, I have to take suppositories (imagine my mom's face when the doctor told me... in front of her). I open the package and this thing is like... as big as my finger.

The worst part is, is that it went in without a hitch. Now I feel like a dirty whore.[/spoiler]

[Zerrif]

August 28, 2011

I don't need glasses, but because I'm covered by my parents' insurance, I figure "what the hell, I'll get some"-- better free, than when I pay for them.

Except today my optometrist said I was blind in one eye. What. Even though I could read perfectly fine out of it, I was blind.

...

Whatever, free glasses.