5 October 2010
So, I got inspired by Zerrif to start journaling on here.... It's a bit of an emo-fest sometimes, reading these things, but it's healthy for me, and I don't feel like designing a whole new blog -again,- so here I am.
So for those of you who don't know a whole lot about me, I'm Aminako K. McCloud around here, but in real life, my name isn't nearly so beautiful. I'm awkward-looking with a fairly outgoing personality that fights with insecurity, but I think that's true for most of us (but not Dissius. If you read this, I love you~). Here comes the emo....
I grew up in a kind of weird family dynamic, going through father figures like empty water bottles and having a horrid mother-daughter relationship (as in, there wasn't one). No matter how many counselors I saw, how many changes I made in my life, I was never enough for my mom to trust me and encourage me, and consequently I wasn't very responsible or mature, because I didn't see a point in trying to be--the results were the same if I did or if I didn't. So you can probably see where this is going: smart kid, dull grades in school, teen rebellion, burned bridges, etc.
For a while when I was 16, things started to look up. My mom and I were sort of getting along, I had a strong faith in God (which is laughable to me now, but it mattered to me then), and I had a boyfriend who I at least thought got along with me well. I messed up with that boyfriend and got caught doing some idiot stuff, and then things tumbled downhill again. When he broke up with me, I thought it was the end of the world. I couldn't believe it. And again, this is probably a predictable story: fragile girl gets strung around, depression, bad grades, and same story for another several months of stagnancy.
Well then I met a new guy.... and we'll refer to that guy as Cockmunch. I didn't know it then, but dating this guy would be the worst decision of my life. I have some good memories of this guy (he visited me at work a lot, was very considerate in the beginning, and really seemed to understand that my heart had some pretty big scars from all the drama in my younger life), but it really, really was a bad idea. He got emotionally attached very quickly, and asked me to marry him after only four months of dating. I said yes, of course, because what seventeen-year-old doesn't think it's a fairy tale to get married right out of high school? (Very few. Shut up.)
There was maybe a month's period of shimmery, shiny, "ooh yey" goodness after the engagement, but it stagnated pretty quickly. I started to look into going into the army, at which he freaked out and pretty much put me on lockdown, wanting to know all my thoughts, feelings, and actions every second of every day. Obviously, I started to resent him. It was like having another Mommy looking over my shoulder; only this one was six feet tall and three hundred pounds. About a week before I was supposed to ship to Basic Training, I sat him down, took my ring off, and said, "You need to take this back. I'm going to a new place in my life, and I'm purging it of what needs to go."
He freaked out, of course, and I made the mistake of not doing this at my house. He kept me where we were, screaming and crying until I accepted the ring again and promised not to leave for another 30 days. It wasn't really a fair arrangement, given that in 30 days I'd be gone, but I didn't really have a choice in the matter. Fast forward to BCT: a tiny kitty is very lost and alone as a child in a world of adults, afraid, and soon injured. Cockmunch ended up being the only person who wrote me with any semblance of regularity. He wrote me every single day I was there, sometimes twice in one day. I received a single letter from one of my best friends, and maybe a handful of letters and cards from my mother, but I guess she was mostly satisfied with the 30 seconds of me sobbing into her ear every Sunday, so she didn't feel the need to write. It was fourteen weeks of hell. Once I was injured, I didn't mean anything to anyone, and it taught me personal resolve and responsibility. I say I'd do it again, but I'd hope for different circumstances. (It secretly embarrasses me that I didn't finish. My reserve unit shipped to Afghanistan this month, and I still feel like I should be with them.)
But anyway, I feel like a very large part of the lesson learned at Fort Leonard Wood, MO was lost when Cockmunch decided to come visit for family day. He ended up managing to stick around a couple of extra days and drove me the 16 hours home from FLW to Columbus, Ohio, after which I felt like I couldn't leave him. How could I? He'd shown such commitment and dedication, I thought maybe he'd changed from the person he used to be, the one that I couldn't stand to be around.
Well I was wrong. As I moved into my senior year of high school, our relationship declined and so did my motivation. I started out strong and very quickly hit rock bottom, barely scraping by and in a lot of cases just failing miserably. I got accepted to Bowling Green's school of music, but I skipped the scholarship audition and just forgot about Bowling Green completely because, as Cockmunch put it, "If we're getting married, you could never go there." I moved out of my mother's house before the school year was even over, penniless and relying entirely on Cockmunch's below-average income to survive. Since then it's been hellish and cold, and every day I wish I could go back in time and tell that younger me how stupid she was being and how easy it would be to avoid the train wreck she was heading toward.
I finally broke free of Cockmunch's idiotic hold after long months of fighting, abuse, and resentment over money (which there seemed to be an abundance of when he wanted something frivolous, but none of when I asked for food). Still penniless, I'm living in with a friend who is very kind to let me stay here, but I feel like I have to get out of here soon, too. I feel caged everywhere I go, and I think the only thing that will alleviate that feeling is being alone and taking steps toward getting better.
In the midst of all of this, I have to say that I have one thing to be immensely thankful for: my mate. (Sorry if this embarrasses you, dear.) Sabata is my best friend, my partner, my light. He gives me motivation, makes me want to be better than I am. He has a beautiful personality and he understands mine. He knows my shortcomings and doesn't resent them, but rather encourages me to overcome them. If it weren't for Sabata, I probably would have given up a long time ago and just lay down in a gutter somewhere to let nature take its course. He is the reason I get up in the morning, the reason I keep smiling when I'm frustrated, the reason I'm even here at all. So thanks, Sabata, for being so amazing. You probably didn't even know any of that was true. :P
But anyway, now you guys know me a little bit better.... It feels a lot better having talked about it.
6 October 2010
So yep, I'm back to this again. Figure if I can go for 21 days straight of doing this, even if it's just a sentence or two or a disjointed thought, that it'll become a habit and I'll be in a good place again as far as journaling. x3
So, I was bored as hell, looking around on Facebook, when I realized that "oh hey, Shannon's blog updated. *click*" Philippians449, or Shannon, has been my best friend for.... oh, about four years now. She's a beautiful soul, but we've got a lot of common, in good and bad ways (too bad for her, hahaha). Anyway, she's only twelve days older than me and as such she always somehow manages to impart this awkward wisdom to me in the month of October, and I don't really get how she does it, other than the being older than me business. Usually between us, I'm the voice of reason, but in October for some reason....
Anyhow, she has a blog on Livejournal that I check pretty frequently, especially now that we don't live as close to each other anymore, because I never really see her. Imagine my surprise when I click onto her newest entry and find this little number (http://philippians449.livejournal.com/16239.html).
"Beauty of whatever kind, in its supreme development, invariably excites the sensitive soul to tears."
Already, I'm hyper-tuned. Lately I've been feeling super sensitive to people and things and thoughts, and this one struck me like a Chevrolet in a Wal-mart parking lot. And as it continues, I find I'm disappointed. An audit on her year, deciding rather sunnily that hey, she was doing great; how awesome. :|
Because, you know, I definitely feel the same way. </sarcasm> But I decided to try and do the same, just to see how I feel about my year. Comparatively....
My Failures- Got kicked out of choir three months before the end of my senior year
- Missed out on the opportunity for a full-ride music scholarship to the school of my dreams
- Ended a three-year relationship messily and with no tact
- Became homeless and penniless; Mom laughed in my face
- Shit grades for graduation, ended high school with an abysmal GPA of 3.25
My Successes- Graduated high school with a 3.25 GPA (pretty good given that I was failing 4 of 5 classes at the open of the second semester)
- Moved out on my own; haven't died yet
- Had the strength to end a three-year joke of a relationship that should have ended before it ever really began
- Made the realization that I don't need to be defined by belief in a fictional being
- Reconnected with an old friend and found a home in his arms <3 (So cheesy XD)
- Forged an actually good relationship with both my mother and her husband (pretty amazing)
So on the whole, the year was bad, but still successful, in the slightest of senses. I guess that's a plus. ...That's my rant for the day. T ,T
Wait, how'd you get kicked out of choir??
I was on the fence with some attendance issues and the teacher was being difficult about talking to me to get it resolved. I made a frustrated post on Facebook about it and believe it or not, a former student took it back to the teacher and he kicked me out of the class. He told my guidance counselor to remove me.
So here I was reading this up last night. Blissfully unaware that Vent had crapped out. I was shown even further how unaware as I sat here starting to click the reply button. It was then that I realize my net decided to have a brain fart. I knew it happens at least ONCE a month but hell...That was odd.
Anywho! Amina! I knew you had it rough from what we've talked. But I didn't realize it was this slap-in-the-face rough. I'm proud that you've stuck through it. Also a couple words for if you EVER find yourself coming short. (May our good fortunes not let that happen.) You can sell a home, entertainment or what not furniture. But you NEVER EVER sell your car. You can sleep and move with your car if need be. At least it would be SOME protection from the elements.
But you're doing so well right now...Just hold onto that. ^.^ *hugs tight*
7 October 2010
If I have nothing else, I have myself. To continue is to succeed.
12 October 2010 {1/21}
So much for forming a habit. Oh well. I'm going to start keeping a count that will be reset every time I skip a day. Maybe that'll help.
So, I had a doctor's appointment yesterday to receive the results of all my testing that went on last week. They said the testing completely blew away all their theories and that I have a slight arrhythmia that they'll treat me for, but that it shouldn't be causing the symptoms that I described. When they asked me about it a little bit more in-depth, they came to the conclusion that what's going on with me sounds an awful lot like absent seizures. I really, really didn't like that.
So I can't drive until further notice, which means I may have to quit that job and find one closer to me. And no, they wouldn't tell me what they think are causing the seizures. Not until they figure out if that's what's really happening, anyway. I dunno. It's times like these that I kind of miss having belief in God. At least when I was insane, I had something to comfort me at times like these.
Again, I wish there was something I could do to help out during this troubling time for you Mina. I also wish the doctors would just look into more than just one thing at a time, cause then they might be able to find out sooner rather than a test here and there after the initial round of testing.
14 October {1/21}
*glares at the date and habit counter all >:E*
v.v So much for a good start.
Anyway, I've started to think that maybe I just need to get in to a counselor/life coach to get myself on track. My friend sees one and it's been doing her wonders. She still has to work hard, she still has her problems, and she still has insecurities, but she has several things that I don't and desperately need right now.
1. She has peace of mind. She can go to someone and vent all of her irrationalities, all of her insecurities and all of her problems and receive good, level-headed, very specific advice ten times in ten.
2. She has good advice coming in. (God, do I ever need that.)
3. She has someone who is really pushing her to do the things that are difficult for her that need to be done on the road to being happy. It's not that I don't have someone like that, it's that..... they just try to be encouraging in a general sense, because it's all they can do. But why can't they see that's just more frustrating than to remain unencouraged?
So yeah.... but if I'm going to go, I'd need to get my mom to agree to help me out and pay for it. She had agreed to that at one point, but that was when I still lived with her. I'll have to start that conversation and see how it goes.
15 October {2/21}
It's my birthday, and all I really have to say is that I am grateful.
I'm loved, I'm a success, and I feel encouraged. Thanks to everyone who showed me today (and it's only 0350; it's gonna keep getting better!) that I'm really a good person at heart. <3
22 October 2010 {1/21}
****Disclaimer: Yes, Mina's throwing a motherfucking fit. If you don't like it, turn around and read a different topic.****
So I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I'm a person, living and breathing, who feelings and has likes and dislikes and buttons and peeves. I'm sorry that I'm anxious all the time because I have absolutely no resources at my disposal. I'm sorry that I'm a leech and a bitch and a whore and all of these things that I know people say about me.
I'm sorry I'm a tease. I'm sorry if I come off as pretentious. I'm sorry if I offend your sensibilities. I'm sorry that I'm young, I'm sorry that I've made mistakes, and I'm sorry that I'm still making the same ones.
Saying I'm sorry isn't gonna fucking change anything, though, is it? A whole--what--two people will read this post and all the rest of you will go on without even knowing it's been said. And who am I even apologizing to? I wasn't wrong in a single thing I said. I don't feel like I'm in the wrong at all, except for that I kept all of that in instead of telling the person how I was feeling when I felt it. Speaking of, why can't I ever take my own fucking damn advice?
I can't be perfect. I know no one's asking me to be, but I feel pressured to be, all the time. I need to be perfectly cute, perfectly eloquent, perfectly sexy, perfectly everything to everyone* and I just can't be. That's what puts the shake in my hands, the frizz in my hair; it's what keeps me from looking people in the eye when I'm talking to them. I'm fucking ANXIOUS. Anxious to be perfect. I'm gonna be waiting around a long-ass time if I'm waiting for that to happen.
I.... fucking god. Why am I even bothering? I'm fucked. Good night fucking moon.
*There was a song about that. Everclear - Everything To Everyone (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D1vQJFF2TKQ#noexternalembed)