Where does one even begin to pick up the pieces after they completely shatter on the ground before you? For four years I've kept my relationship with my mate afloat. I was always there, from their depression that slipped into near suicidal tendencies to just staying up all night with them after someone broke in and held him at knife point. Through the night terrors I stayed up I was the vessel of light that guided them through the dark and murky waters of despair. Four four years I guided you from afar, for four years I cried with and for you. I was there for you through it all, through thick and thin. I offered to buy you gifts to see you smile, I would act goofy just to hear you laugh. When you told me you were ill, did I care? No, what was my reaction? "I don't care that your health is failing you, so long as I can be by your side for as long as you need me my love." I wrote you pages upon pages of a single love note, opening my heart and mind to you and only you. When you needed a blood transfusion, was I not the first to jump up and say "Take mine, please..." I love you, and truly to this very day and so forth, I will love you. You lied to me about a few things, I never cared, you ticked me off to the point where I just walked off for an hour or more, but I still came back, You loved me the way that I loved you. We had something that we needed from each other, even though all I ever needed was your name. So when I asked for one thing, when I asked for the most simplest of all questions, what I got was truly unexpected. After four years of loving you and no one else but you, after all this time of showing my devotion and loyalty to you, I asked one thing....why? Just....why?
"Because I don't love you anymore."
shiiit. I'm sorry, man.
Woah, what's that about?
I'm not really sure. I'm still trying to sort this out in my mind. To me it makes no sense what so ever. I feel like I've been lied to for the past 4 years, that those past years have been a waste, time that could have been spent with someone that actually cared, not being used.
So yet again here I am, lost in the darkness that is depression, that is now what I guess is considered a life. I go to work, I come home and go straight into my room and lay myself down upon the bed. I just don't know what to do anymore really, with myself I mean. Sometimes I'll think back to what life was like before, how happy and carefree I was, it feels like all a dream, maybe it was.
Things are always the same though, constantly being used for some reason or another. I loved you for four years, and in the end you threw me away when you had no use for me anymore.
I've known you for six years, thought you were a friend. After year four I agreed to be your pet, I had meaning again, if you can call being a pet meaning. It gave me a sense of purpose in my life, gave me something to cling to, a light to lead the way out of this darkness I keep finding myself in. On year six, just weeks before you were supposed to move down here...you threw me away. I guess it wouldn't hurt as bad if you understood what you did...but you don't. You keep telling me that we can keep being friends but, I don't need a friend, friends can't help me, they never really wanted to. They just wanted me to help them. When it came time for the favor to be returned what did my so called friends do? Did they listen as I did to them? Did they give me advice as I did to them? Did they even offer to hang out with me at all? No. My 'friends' turned their backs on me, deleted me from their Skype, YIM and wont even acknowledge me. So no, I don't need another fucking friend that will just stab me in the back.
I need someone that will be there and just...I don't know. I've stopped caring what happens, started taking the dangerous routes home at night when I close at work, stopped carrying my knife with me. I put on a fake face every day when I go to work, but inside the voice is crying out over and over.
"Someone notice me, I can have meaning, purpose. Please...just notice me...."
Maybe I'm meant to be alone, meant to be used and thrown away. Not really meant for anyone as a lover or a pet.
I'm really sorry Fawkes
Its hard to find meaning in yourself, but once you do you'll be much stronger.
Step by Step seems to be the way to go, but occasionally we will slip up and fall back down, but will we have the willpower to just rise back up and carry on? Or will we just stay on the floor, lost without any sort of light.
I remember a time, a time when I met you. You were sitting four spaces away from me, sneaking the occasional glance, trying to figure out how to talk to me. I remember it clearly like it was yesterday, I remember the feeling I had when you finally talked to me. You told me that you were always shy and unsure of how to approach me, but in truth I was the same way. I convinced you to get MSN, I convinced you to get YIM. I convinced you to explore a lot of new things with me and we never looked back. But, you were given a choice...one that you could not refuse. Stay where you were or follow your dream. One path would eventually lead you to me, a life that would have been wonderful. The other path would lead you away from me, down the path of loneliness. You chose the second path, the path to follow your dream and so...off you went to Italy to study fashion. I knew then...I knew deep down inside I would never see you, I didn't want to believe it but it was true, everything came true. Where did the time go? What caused you to become so hateful toward me? I stayed true to you, but...you chose to push me away. You chose to want to die alone. You know I would have held your hand during those last moments, that I would hold you tightly against my chest and never let go. I cried for you, oh yes did I cry for you. I still have your number in my cell, the false hope that you'll answer a text. I still log into YIM on the false hope that you'll log in and I could talk to you just one more time. You were everything to me, everything and more.
My love, my darling Kia.
I never cared that you were ill, never cared that you were so sick. I never saw that in you, all I saw was our love for one another. You were so sweet and innocent, such the love of my life that I would give all to be with you again. A rose for my love, a rose that has more meaning that anyone else could know. Let it be known with this metaphorical rose that my love will always stay strong for you, even though you will never see it again. I just want to say one last thing...
I love you.