With Apologies

[Nester Delgado]

After receiving yet another angry "Hey, what are you doing!?" I've realized that I haven't been myself lately on here. In fact, I've been a bit of an ass and I want to apologize to everyone for it.

As many of you know, I've gone through a lot this year. I realized I was being abused and punished, just for wanting to be myself, by someone I thought I loved and loved me back. In fact, the abuse didn't stop after I walked out. It didn't end when I sent the divorce paperwork in. It was still going on after the last of a long series of destructive emails and it's still going on now in the silence.

I've had a lot to deal with emotionally and mentally. I get paranoid a lot thinking something I'm going to say or do will make my boyfriend leave me or make my friends hate me. I often fear that my ex is going to jump out from around a corner and shoot me. Sometimes I even lay awake at night thinking she's going to break in and strangle me in the night. But what she'd most likely do is stand out in public and take her own life while blaming me for it in front of as many people as she can. I'm not exaggerating. She's that psychotic. There's a lot of little things too, but I won't go into everything.

The point is that she fucked up my head and I'm still trying to put it back together. I'm finally seeing a therapist starting Monday, but just know that I'm sorry for being a bit of an asshole lately. I'm not even conscious I'm doing it really. Most of you know me. I'm happy and cuddly and always offering support. This other fox isn't me.

I'm not trying to make excuses, I'm just putting it all out there. If you see me acting like a jerk in the chat, just give me a little nudge and I'll understand. You all mean a lot to me and to be honest, at the risk of sounding very cheesy, I couldn't have gotten through this as well as I did without you all. You've been a sounding board for what I was going through and you've always been there at the end of every day since. I love you guys and I only wish for success and happiness for everyone here.

~Nester

[Fen]

Only got one thing to say, or in this case do. *hugs*

[Ginger]

I can relate.
All I've been doing lately is crying, having panic attacks and sleeping... I slept 18+ hours yesterday. In fact, I'm going to go back to sleep now....

<e Stay strong Nester. <3

[Vyrrh]

I know we've never met, but I feel for ya. A scornful no-longer-beloved can cause some serious damage that takes forever to heal, because they took the time to get really attached. It's like removing a parasite after it's taken root.

Good luck with it all.